Saturday, June 20, 2009

I have an unhealthy obsession with horses....

My horse! But not me riding him, obviously.
Favorite horse of all time. Remi/Remme.
BABY! His name is Doc.
My second home.
Shadow...everything about this horse is beautiful.
Glitter is a biotch but I like her anyway.
Riley and some kid that I don't know...he's gigantic, whoa.
Penny is afraid of cameras...I don't get how they got this picture.
Herbie, named after Herb Brooks, hates everyone.
Quincy...I can't get over how manly he looks in this picture, haha.
Lucy...she has a curly blondish mane, it's gorgeous.

Mystery and Newsmaker. Newsie was a world champion! Hence the name.

Milo! He is gorgeous. This is in the back area of my barn, by the way.

hey there, lonely night.

So...tonight is quite an interesting venture for me. I'm examining my downfalls. It's not that fun, but it has to be done to change, I guess. The problem is, I'm finding too many things that I don't like. I think there should be SOME things that I like, you know...but I'm so analytical! Yet another thing I don't like. 
These are the things that I would like to change:
-I'm way too sensitive. I take everything personally, and I don't show it at all so people don't know that they offend me.
-I hold grudges.
-I fall in and out of love too fast...well, with one exception.
-I'm so socially inept. I'm effusive and scary.
-I overanalyze to the point of making myself worry if I said something wrong from the tone of a laugh. What the hell?
-I think everyone is out to get me. I'm always looking over my shoulder...so paranoid.
-I flirt with everyone. It's gross. I don't know how to stop. I flirt with women, and I don't even swing that way. I think it creeps people out.
-I idolize people with qualities that I want. 
-I only sing in the shower, or in the car. Come on! I know I need to get out there and show my stuff, but I'm SO shy. 
-I'm so old fashioned with the whole dating idea. It doesn't work, since all guys want now is something nice to look at that doesn't talk. I want to be wined and dined. Maybe not wined, it gives me a headache. 
-I have a lot of freckles. Whenever someone stares at me, I think that they're counting them or something. I want to connect the dots some day.
-My pupils are always so huge. No, I'm not high...thanks. 
-I expect so much out of people! If I don't get it, I'm so angry at them...when I shouldn't have even expected it in the first place.
-I'm messy as hell. I'm always disheveled, my room is never clean, I leave crap everywhere...God bless my roommate in college. 
-I'm really skinny and I can't gain weight. Oh, and I hate eating. That makes it kind of hard.


Okay, I'm done now. Just had to get that out. Thuuuuper cool.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I'm not exactly complete right now.

I'm going to start this off by stating one thing: I am sort of, maybe slightly, quite possibly the most contradictory person you will ever meet. Although I sometimes feel like a hypocrite, I absolutely believe in my opinions and thoughts about things...at the time. As time passes, my opinions change, and I forget how I felt before. 
This results in problems.
Feelings come in spurts, and things that I once loved become things that I hate. This being said, I commit myself to things that I love...how ever quickly that love may fade. 
Now to get to the point...someone I admired beyond measure, someone that captured my heart and soul, and someone that was just good passed away. I'm not sure I can describe how it feels to lose someone like that. 
First love? Maybe. Not for him, not at all...but I think some part of me loved him like fire...I felt it so deeply that it burned, and it burned clean. Everything I knew before about what love should be like disappeared, and he filled my heart with poetic words of wisdom. I don't think that I will ever feel that way for someone again...I can only hope to find someone with half of his worth. 
We leave the way we came...alone and with nothing. However, I think he left with something. He left with a part of me that I won't ever get back...even if I could get it back, I wouldn't want it.
He took my fear, my self loathing, my doubts, and my barriers with him.
Now that he's gone, I feel things fully. I wish I could have told him how much he did for me...